Tantrums and meltdowns are a normal part of growing up. They usually start around the age of 1.5 to 2 and by the time they reach 4 years old and start school, most kids should have outgrown tantrums. So, why do these tantrums happen in the first place?

Temper tantrums in children start around the age of 2 (Ever heard the term terrible twos?) and this manifests with the child throwing a crying fit, whining, yelling, screaming, punching, throwing or hitting. Children throw tantrums because they haven’t learned how to express themselves more appropriately. They may feel angry, frustrated, nervous, irritated or have a sensory overload and they do not possess the language skills to articulate what they need or feel. What is a tantrum but a cry for an unmet need or attention?

Tantrums typically last for around 2 to 15 minutes. If your kid is hungry, stressed, tired, or going through some discomfort, he is more likely to act out. As a parent, it can be difficult to maintain your calm when your kid is in the middle of a full-blown meltdown, but raising your tone, screaming, or worse, caving in, bribing or spanking can make things even worse. It is because you may have stopped the meltdown at that minute, but you have not taught your kiddo more appropriate behaviours.

Children past the toddler age are exploring their independence and they like to push others, particularly their caregivers, to see how far they can go. But then, they also want their parents’ attention, and this conflict causes them to feel confused and act out. They haven't learned to deal with little disappointments, everyday frustrations and big feelings which causes them to lash out unexpectedly.

The trick to deal with a loud tantrum or angry meltdown is to understand the reason behind the tantrum in the first place. When the child throws a tantrum, he knows he has all of your attention. But you are still in the dark about how to respond because you don’t know what’s the cause of the tantrum in the first place!

If you have ruled out hunger, stress, and tiredness, temper tantrums can be because the child wants something, be it a toy, snack or your attention. The meltdown could be due to avoiding something, such as clearing up their toys after play, leaving the park after their play session, doing their homework, going to bed but keep playing, or eating that nutritious but not so delicious-looking meal. Too much sensory stimulation, such as loud television or music, being touched could also act as triggers for some kids throwing a tantrum.

If you give in to a tantrum, then it's a surefire way of telling your child that they can get what they want by acting out. The key here is to make them unlearn it, otherwise, you may find yourself dealing with the same thing quite frequently. He will come to rely on these learned behaviours to get what he wants, every time.

No matter how much you tell them about appropriate behaviours, but if you are inconsistent or give them what they want, the only thing that registers in the child’s mind is your action - giving in after a meltdown be it an extra hour of screen time or that ice cream cone for dinner. Tell them what the consequence of their behaviour will be - maybe it’s loss of a privilege like no playground play or you taking away their favourite toy that day - and then follow through to show that you mean what you say.

Whether it's terrible twos, threes or even fours that you have to deal with, here are a few things you can do to intervene positively before things get out of hand. Each tantrum fit, emotional outburst or meltdown is an opportunity to show them how to express themselves better. Never lose your calm and always be empathetic, and you will do a lot of good for yourself and your child.